What I Told a Room of Financial Advisers About Divorce

A little while ago, I was invited to present a continuing professional development seminar to nearly 500 qualified financial advisers. The topic? Ethical Considerations in Divorce.

Now, I know that probably sounds like the kind of thing that belongs in a textbook or an industry conference – not in a conversation with someone going through the very real, very painful process of ending a marriage.

But here’s why I wanted to share this discussion with you:

If other advisers are looking to me for guidance on how to ethically and responsibly navigate divorce with clients, it means the work I do in this space has real weight.

And more importantly, it means that the lessons I shared with that room full of professionals can also help you understand what to expect from the financial side of your divorce.

So, this post isn’t about theory. It’s about taking what I told a group of my peers, and sharing it with you.

Divorce Consumes Everything

One of the first points I made to the advisers in that seminar was this: divorce consumes all of a person’s mental and emotional bandwidth.

If you’re in the early stages of separation, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

It takes over your days, nights, thoughts at work, and those few quiet moments when you’d – normally – rest.

And whatever energy you have left after managing the practicalities is usually spent just trying to survive — putting on a brave face for colleagues, holding things together for the kids, or keeping up appearances with friends.

That means your ability to make decisions, remember details, and weigh up financial options is naturally reduced. You’re not broken. You’re not weak. You’re human.

When I spoke to the advisers, I reminded them: “We cannot overestimate how much bandwidth this takes from clients.”

And it’s true. Which is why, as your adviser, my role isn’t just to crunch numbers.

It’s to simplify, support, and protect you from being overwhelmed.

The Three Stages of Divorce

I explained to my peers that I find it useful to look at divorce in three distinct stages:

1. Separation

This is when the relationship has broken down, emotions are raw, and you may not even know what you want yet.

At this stage, clarity matters more than detail.

A good adviser won’t flood you with technical jargon or binders of spreadsheets – they’ll guide you step by step, and connect you with the right professionals (like family lawyers) when you need them.

2. Negotiation

This is where the financial side gets more concrete.

We’re talking about property settlements, superannuation splits, and budgets for the future.

Here, an adviser plays a critical role in gathering the right information, running different scenarios, and helping you see what each option might mean for your long-term security.

And this is where one of the most valuable tools we have comes in: goal setting.

It’s not about vague dreams or lofty ambitions. It’s about quantifying what “fair” means for you.

For example: “I want to own a home without a mortgage, stay in my kids’ school zone, and have enough to retrain over the next three years.” That’s a real, tangible goal we can plan around.

3. Moving Forward

Once everything is signed — the consent orders or binding financial agreements — this is the stage where you can begin to rebuild.

If you’ve been supported properly through the process, you’re not starting from rock bottom. You’re ready to turn the page and accelerate into your next chapter.

The Three Truths

Another concept I shared with advisers was something I call the three truths. In every divorce, there’s:

• Her truth.
• His truth.
• And the actual truth.

 

When you’re in the thick of it, it’s natural to believe your version of events is the only valid one. And when you speak to your lawyer, your friends, or even your adviser, it’s easy for them to get swept up in your story too.

But part of my role – and part of what makes ethical advice so valuable – is to balance those truths. Not to minimise your experience, but to make sure decisions aren’t made on incomplete or distorted information.

That objectivity is what helps protect you financially, even if it’s uncomfortable in the moment.

Why Impartiality Matters

Something else I told the room full of advisers: our job isn’t just to help clients get what they want.

It’s to help them understand what they need.

Sometimes that means telling you not to make a rash decision. Sometimes it means pausing a settlement discussion until you’re in a better headspace.

And sometimes it even means saying: “I can’t be the right adviser for both of you anymore.”

That last one is hard. But it’s right.

Because when a couple separates, continuing to act for both parties can create conflicts of interest that put everyone at risk. The best advisers know when to step aside, and when to bring in trusted colleagues to support each party separately.

Doing the Right Thing

At the heart of it, ethics in divorce advice isn’t about ticking compliance boxes. It’s about doing the right thing, even when no one’s watching.

When I told advisers that in my seminar, I could see heads nodding across the virtual room.

Because whether you’re the professional or the client, what matters most isn’t just the money. It’s being able to look back and feel proud of how you conducted yourself.

The Takeaway for You

So, what does all of this mean for you, right now, as you navigate divorce?

It means:

• Expect to feel overwhelmed – that’s normal.
• Know that there’s a process, and that each stage requires different kinds of support.
• Understand that objectivity, even when uncomfortable, protects you.
• And trust that a good adviser won’t just chase outcomes – they’ll hold themselves to the highest ethical standards, even when it costs them commercially.

 

When I stood in front of my professional peers and talked about the ethical dilemmas of divorce, I wasn’t talking about theory.

I was talking about real people, real pain, and the responsibility we have as advisers to guide you through it with dignity, clarity, and care.

Because at the end of the day, divorce is not just about dividing assets. It’s about preserving futures.